Middle Age Crisis?

Last night I couldn't sleep as I was frustrated I am not the same person I was 15 years ago, nor do I have a grasp on how to get back there. Two parts of my mind were dueling on how to either get there.

I have always had a firm resistance to playing the game "If you could do this over again, would you....?". If you fantasize about going a different path, it shows you are committing adultery on the present you have no choice but to continue. A Wonderful Life is a movie...there is nothing real about going back & taking a different path...& it is sad to hold on to that hope.

But me? I want the freedom from neurosis, control, and fear I had 15 years ago. I had a healthy mom, a wierd but normal dad, life on my own, direction and goals at work, a dysfunctional relationship with a man (who didn't?), and a pace which suited me. Looking at each one of those individually, I can do them now but with different results.

Well, mom is gone...dad is wierder. I don't have a life on my own but I can have a ME in the we. Dysfunctional relationship with a man....ding...done. Though the frustrations come when HE is the normal one at times...argh. A job? That is a puzzle. Being away from my job for a month has afforded me the opportunity to see that my passion for what I have been doing has been a motivator....helping people, implementing ideas, and being in a changing field. But it is less intriguing to me....burn out? Age? I figure that after 14 years (10 n this current position) there is little new on the treadmill of work. So, this is the part of my life to be minimized. 15 years ago it was the end all. Now it needs to be the means to an end. It doesn't need to be, I want it to be. Pay the mortgage will be its top purpose. No, I am not giving up, but it is not more important than me.

The sports car? Sure, I have the day off....heh heh heh