When I was a kid, I was obsessed with TV Guide. Thinking back I can't tell you what specifically intrigued me, but for a while my mom bought it weekly & I was enthralled.
I remember reading ahead to my favorite shows to see what was going to happen in that half sentence synopsis and feeling so enlivened that I KNEW! Our generation was one of the first group of kids raised on tv. I mean I knew each morning (in Oregon) we had to be ready for school before the halfway point of Ramblin Rod. In Chicago I think we had to be ready to go before Popeye came on in the morning. Before I make my mom seem neglectful, I will share a few things about Faye. She was most assuredly not a morning person when we were kids, may have been avoidance, but she really didn't do well. My brother & I got ourselves going. The story from my mom was that my brother & I became empowered (?) in getting our own breakfasts. At 4/5 we were capable, able & excited to get up on the counter, gather cereal bowls and cereal & feed ourselves. Mom said at one point she felt guilty & began getting up in the morning to be the great mom she envisioned. I will give the credit to Rick, but one of us told her after a week to please stay in bed because she was mean in the morning. The result is we didn't really know how to tell time on a clock, we knew how to manage our time by the TV.
Not to let my dad off the hook....because he tells the story that he was sleeping and had the feeling that someone was watching him. And there was....littlle ME. He said you could just see my eyes over the mattress just staring at him not talking. He said he would get out of bed, get me cereal and turn on the tv, and I was good. He went back to bed. My brother wasn't born so I was under 2. Dad said it was funny because I didn't fuss, cry or wake him up, just sat & waited.
I do have a problem with tv. I admit it. Recently on a visit to my brother, I was shown how to search on the remote through the channels without changing your channel. I was entranced. Surfing the channels the other night I saw on a channel a show entitled "Antichrist". I looked around the room looking for a hidden camera, nope...just me and my imagination! At first I was leary of viewing the show. I mean I saw all of the bad 80s horror movies where an unsuspecting person gets sucked into a horror scenario and dying an icky death while SCREAMING so irritatingly and my curiosity would NOT allow me to be that dumb....besides, I had seen those movies and was farrr from unsuspecting.
Thinking about it more, I started to envision what the show was. In my head I saw a big headed, scarlet satan (something out of Hellboy) sitting in a Carson like set with a suit interviewing people. Satanic minions would scurry the guests on, fetch water, and rouse the crowds to laugh when the antichrist was not really funny. Of course there would be a special minion band with a leader who was able to banter with the antichrist to bring interest! It all fell together in my head. An audience of zombie like people zombie-roaring to the bad jokes and applauding with whichever remaining extremities they had. He would interview other fallen angels, who would do God jokes. He would interview random people from hell who were horrible in their earth life and the crowds would roar in approval. It just fit!
I hesitated in choosing to watch the show because it most certainly would NOT have fit my vision and would have been a deep disappointment! Blame my parents for putting me infront of the boob tube!
H
Sunday, July 25, 2010
Thursday, July 22, 2010
Bored
With no one but myself to blame, I am bored. More mentally than anything else. Sure I walk around the block. That is 30 minutes. I even doubled the distance, still not enough. What I am not doing is this. Avoiding? Possibly. I have been reading a book written by a woman I heard interviewed on NPR. She sounded so funny. Lori Notaro-esque. So I bought her first collection of short stories. Snobby? But I only was mildly entertained. Snobby because I am a reverse snob. She is thin, came from a wealthy family with mild dysfunctions. Her words were set to be funny but it wasn't. I was disappointed.
I know what the problem is. As a seasoned movie viewer I "pop" out of the viewer position and very often do I "pop" into the evaluative mode. I will look a the camera angles, notice props, wonder where they found certain locations, and wonder at dialogs. Unfortunately I don't enjoy the movies at times as I am going behind the scenes to deconstruct the creative process. The same has started to happen with books.
Years ago my sister & I thought about writing erotica. I don't know if it was a valid thought or direction but we did have a very long late night conversation brainstorming the various slang terms for genetalia & sexual acts. Cock is just an ugly word but realistically it suits the purpose and (forgive me) the thrust of the necessity of the word. I figured 1) I don't have enough sexual creativity to write erotica 2) I didn't want to consider anal sex and much erotica has those as scenarios 3) I would not be able to write as I was laughing too much (imagine how bad it would have been if my sister & I would have written together!) 4) I tend to count word usage and COCK would be overused within the first two pages.
I have recently turned towards humor in the books I purchase. And I am disappointed. I watch too much Food Network, but imagine if your life was encased in food. At some point Ho-Ho's and DIng Dongs must be repellant. I think I am there with humor books. Could be my own bitterness that I am not writing, but I have lost enjoyment. A friend gave me a book last year when I has surgery. Alot of the stories were off color. I really have no other word for it. I mean I did laugh at her explaining a teen story when she discovered masturbation and had to explain the ensuing carpal tunnel pain to her parents to avoid going to the doctor, but many of them were over the top. David Sedaris did that to me in some of his first stories. Hitch hiking with a paraplegic friend to gain money from strangers was an awkwardly funny piece. I still can't read his Christmas card story about the illeglegitimate Viet Namese daughter who showed up. Maybe that is Utah in me or maybe I do have limits. Fortunately for me, David has somewhat mellowed. I am still a difficult audience to please.
One of my struggles with my humor is it is mostly based around other people and their reactions. I can't have humor without daily ruminations on the world and those people who are brave/stupid enough to cross my paths.
I know what the problem is. As a seasoned movie viewer I "pop" out of the viewer position and very often do I "pop" into the evaluative mode. I will look a the camera angles, notice props, wonder where they found certain locations, and wonder at dialogs. Unfortunately I don't enjoy the movies at times as I am going behind the scenes to deconstruct the creative process. The same has started to happen with books.
Years ago my sister & I thought about writing erotica. I don't know if it was a valid thought or direction but we did have a very long late night conversation brainstorming the various slang terms for genetalia & sexual acts. Cock is just an ugly word but realistically it suits the purpose and (forgive me) the thrust of the necessity of the word. I figured 1) I don't have enough sexual creativity to write erotica 2) I didn't want to consider anal sex and much erotica has those as scenarios 3) I would not be able to write as I was laughing too much (imagine how bad it would have been if my sister & I would have written together!) 4) I tend to count word usage and COCK would be overused within the first two pages.
I have recently turned towards humor in the books I purchase. And I am disappointed. I watch too much Food Network, but imagine if your life was encased in food. At some point Ho-Ho's and DIng Dongs must be repellant. I think I am there with humor books. Could be my own bitterness that I am not writing, but I have lost enjoyment. A friend gave me a book last year when I has surgery. Alot of the stories were off color. I really have no other word for it. I mean I did laugh at her explaining a teen story when she discovered masturbation and had to explain the ensuing carpal tunnel pain to her parents to avoid going to the doctor, but many of them were over the top. David Sedaris did that to me in some of his first stories. Hitch hiking with a paraplegic friend to gain money from strangers was an awkwardly funny piece. I still can't read his Christmas card story about the illeglegitimate Viet Namese daughter who showed up. Maybe that is Utah in me or maybe I do have limits. Fortunately for me, David has somewhat mellowed. I am still a difficult audience to please.
One of my struggles with my humor is it is mostly based around other people and their reactions. I can't have humor without daily ruminations on the world and those people who are brave/stupid enough to cross my paths.
Monday, July 19, 2010
Birthdays
Before she died my mom confessed somewhat wearily about the imaginative child they (ostensibly she) had raised. She said regardless what they did for me or bought for me she felt like it wasn't enough because whatever they did, it didn't match the vision in my little head, so I was disappointed.
I was hit with a horrible wave of guilt because she was right. Regardless of the situation, the world rarely matches what is in my head and I am either frustrated or disappointed. I can't imagine combatting that reality as a parent. I mean coming up against a wealthier parent who does amazing things for their own kid is manageable....step parents are also something to explain away...but how do you train a child to THINK differently.
Then we go into boyfriends & birthdays. Pretty succinct conversation as there weren't many. Suffice to say the two which made an impact were enough. I remember planning a camping trip, all packed when flowers arrived. HUGE bouquet of yellow roses. Why? He didn't have the money to drive down to go camping with me. What I found out later is he went driving with a friend, a few parties and bought a cat. I blame this one. I truly do. I also HATE receiving flowers, most specifically yellow roses which at one point were my fav!
Poor Mike. He LOVES getting stuff and his birthday is right around our bonus time and he gets stuff! His wish list for his birthday starts in January. Vegas has been a fav destination for the minx. A few parties. New car stereo. All affordable.
Around my birthday, the bonus is gone and we are without surplus funds. Due to the previous dickhead, I prefer NOT to be home on my birthday. Living in the PNW I would just drive to whichever state I was not living in. Or even to Canada where I had a passel of relatives who were more than willing to get together on a summer night & eat & drink. The best birthday EVER was our trip to Chicago. Our plans were to meet my sister there from S Carolina & then go & watch the recording of my FAV show, Wait Wait, Don't Tell me! My sister couldn't make it for the first day. Mike & I arrived at the hotel & went walking to the park where the show was to be performed. Melinimium Park. Right in the middle of Chicago. Though we were hours early, we sat & watched the preparations. We were in the 3rd row. So we stayed. As it was a free event, we figured why not. In the long run, over 11,000 people showed up that Thursday night to see/hear the show. We stayed within the first few rows....spectacular. I tell Mike he got off easy as the tickets were FREE! Beautiful Chicago night, with a crowd of quasi like-minded people, and within stalking distance to Peter Segal & Carl Castle! I mean what else would an NPR Geek want? Best birthday EVER.
I want to end it on that note. Unfortunately especially with my mom gone, my birthday is a giant suck hole....laugh.
I will say last year's was funny. 10 days before my birthday I had gall bladder surgery. Not horribly bad. The surgery itself was easy, was over that in a day. The recovery knocked the shit out of me. What is awesome for me is either the book for Harry Potter or the movies were released on or near my birthday...how friggin great is that? I got out of bed to got to Chilis for dinner (it was what I could eat & not barf) & then the HP movie with Mike & a friend. The awesome part is when Mike's most recent birthday came to be planned, I was ready. "What are we going to do for my birthday?", I was asked. "Honey, the same thing we did for my birthday!". His face looked puzzled "What did we do?". "Dinner at Chili's and the latest Harry Potter movie". Not New Orleans, not a big party, not Vegas....the same thing I got...Dinner at Chili's and a movie. LAUGH.
I was hit with a horrible wave of guilt because she was right. Regardless of the situation, the world rarely matches what is in my head and I am either frustrated or disappointed. I can't imagine combatting that reality as a parent. I mean coming up against a wealthier parent who does amazing things for their own kid is manageable....step parents are also something to explain away...but how do you train a child to THINK differently.
Then we go into boyfriends & birthdays. Pretty succinct conversation as there weren't many. Suffice to say the two which made an impact were enough. I remember planning a camping trip, all packed when flowers arrived. HUGE bouquet of yellow roses. Why? He didn't have the money to drive down to go camping with me. What I found out later is he went driving with a friend, a few parties and bought a cat. I blame this one. I truly do. I also HATE receiving flowers, most specifically yellow roses which at one point were my fav!
Poor Mike. He LOVES getting stuff and his birthday is right around our bonus time and he gets stuff! His wish list for his birthday starts in January. Vegas has been a fav destination for the minx. A few parties. New car stereo. All affordable.
Around my birthday, the bonus is gone and we are without surplus funds. Due to the previous dickhead, I prefer NOT to be home on my birthday. Living in the PNW I would just drive to whichever state I was not living in. Or even to Canada where I had a passel of relatives who were more than willing to get together on a summer night & eat & drink. The best birthday EVER was our trip to Chicago. Our plans were to meet my sister there from S Carolina & then go & watch the recording of my FAV show, Wait Wait, Don't Tell me! My sister couldn't make it for the first day. Mike & I arrived at the hotel & went walking to the park where the show was to be performed. Melinimium Park. Right in the middle of Chicago. Though we were hours early, we sat & watched the preparations. We were in the 3rd row. So we stayed. As it was a free event, we figured why not. In the long run, over 11,000 people showed up that Thursday night to see/hear the show. We stayed within the first few rows....spectacular. I tell Mike he got off easy as the tickets were FREE! Beautiful Chicago night, with a crowd of quasi like-minded people, and within stalking distance to Peter Segal & Carl Castle! I mean what else would an NPR Geek want? Best birthday EVER.
I want to end it on that note. Unfortunately especially with my mom gone, my birthday is a giant suck hole....laugh.
I will say last year's was funny. 10 days before my birthday I had gall bladder surgery. Not horribly bad. The surgery itself was easy, was over that in a day. The recovery knocked the shit out of me. What is awesome for me is either the book for Harry Potter or the movies were released on or near my birthday...how friggin great is that? I got out of bed to got to Chilis for dinner (it was what I could eat & not barf) & then the HP movie with Mike & a friend. The awesome part is when Mike's most recent birthday came to be planned, I was ready. "What are we going to do for my birthday?", I was asked. "Honey, the same thing we did for my birthday!". His face looked puzzled "What did we do?". "Dinner at Chili's and the latest Harry Potter movie". Not New Orleans, not a big party, not Vegas....the same thing I got...Dinner at Chili's and a movie. LAUGH.
Friday, July 16, 2010
Here's what I want:
I was sitting home watching WAY too many reality shows & I knew I needed a list to guide me out of this....um...let's just call it a funk! Being goal oriented & a project manager type of person, I extrapolated on solution was a list. 1) It will really test what I like 2) It would be fun (more fun than Regis asking clueless questions to Pink) 3) I can check things off!! Here we go
1) I want out of Utah. Nothing bad about the state unless you are Non-republican, quasi-liberal, pro-choice, FAT, outspoken, childless, non-sports oriented, and a-religious. I have for a long time blamed me for my feeling of not belonging....now I am blaming the state. There I said it. The Perks of Utah have been: meeting my husband, owning our first home and very little rain! We were supposed to be gone before my 45th birthday, but I am hoping a moving truck is not pulling up to our house between now & Monday!
2) I want my creativity back!! Whatever form it takes here in my Grandma Moses years, I welcome it...but I want it back. Years of neglect & out and out ignoring....have just made it shrivel up and die. Use it or lose it is fairly apt!
3) I am funny & I will remember it. Again the Utah thing. I am funny. The disenfranchised of the state think I am funny, I need to remember that. I need to state: Friggin means FUCK...if you SAY friggin, God KNOWS you mean FUCK. That is a hypocritical statement of being here.
4) I want to laugh again.
5) I want to always appreciate doglet praise,, affection and adoration. 6 years ago, Bo entered our lives with his little white goatee and the heart on his chest. There has been nothing but fun with the 3 demanding, slobbering, licking addicted, bundles of fur. When I was doing not so well the other day and in bed sleeping, Luke stood up, shook his head so his collar jangled thus signalling the end of Poor Heather time. Imagine, opinionated entities in my household.
6) I want to be one of those weird old women. A person less concerned with the whispers of astonishment vs enjoying life. I have started walking as I have been home. I have taken joy that more often than not I have no underpants on! God love it,
7) I want a reality show about ME. Sometimes I laugh at that & other times I remember the card I purchased a few years ago "Sometimes I look up as if there is a secret camera filming and I say 'I know you are there and what you are doing'". More often I want PROOF of the dumbass crap I see people do and hear them say. I find myself saying "Honestly, I am not exaggerating".
8) I want to be published.
9) I want to act without fear.
10) I want to be OK with my picky eating habits. My husband attempted logic on me about how when I head down the road to death, how I will REGRET never eating hagis. There is a way of living without fear yet living WITH culinary sensibility. The 3 month Tibetan food argument is a point: Tibetan monks stand on the corner of the street with empty bowls begging for brown rice...fat chicks don't beg for food LET ALONE brown rice. (Truth be told, he didn't like the Tibetan food!).
11) I want to travel. Well, let me clarify....I have no care to see India at this time nor much of Asia...again the food thing. My husband is fascinated with OUT THERE. I am so entranced with much of the old south where many of the first settlers landed. I was treated to a tour of a preserved (not restored) Plantation in South Carolina and was enthralled. Even in Utah, the human spirit and determination which founded America is amazing to me. To be fair, most parts of Europe and Asia just was THERE....we had to journey here and MAKE it. Of course we destroyed indigenous people....which cannot be ignored...but I want to see HERE and understand. I am tired of feeling like This is The Place truly is.
12) I want friends again. I have tons now. But someone to walk through the aisles of Target looking through the clearance bins and laughing.
13) I want a job which makes me glow. Years ago, I was an "usher" in a farmers market. I basically helped set up, direct people, empty trash cans and tear down at the end of the day. What a job! The hazelnut people were my favs!
14) I want to teach. The other day a friend had me over & I showed her how to make a dish of mine which she really liked. Was fun. I am not a great cook, but gosh it is fun to show people how easy it is.
15) I want to be vulnerable & love again. Laugh....I blame alot of things for this my greatest loss. Poor friendships, miscommunications with my husband, being in management, the state of Utah (laugh, why not) and my dumb ass upbringing. I miss this alot.
So there is my list. Definitely doable.
1) I want out of Utah. Nothing bad about the state unless you are Non-republican, quasi-liberal, pro-choice, FAT, outspoken, childless, non-sports oriented, and a-religious. I have for a long time blamed me for my feeling of not belonging....now I am blaming the state. There I said it. The Perks of Utah have been: meeting my husband, owning our first home and very little rain! We were supposed to be gone before my 45th birthday, but I am hoping a moving truck is not pulling up to our house between now & Monday!
2) I want my creativity back!! Whatever form it takes here in my Grandma Moses years, I welcome it...but I want it back. Years of neglect & out and out ignoring....have just made it shrivel up and die. Use it or lose it is fairly apt!
3) I am funny & I will remember it. Again the Utah thing. I am funny. The disenfranchised of the state think I am funny, I need to remember that. I need to state: Friggin means FUCK...if you SAY friggin, God KNOWS you mean FUCK. That is a hypocritical statement of being here.
4) I want to laugh again.
5) I want to always appreciate doglet praise,, affection and adoration. 6 years ago, Bo entered our lives with his little white goatee and the heart on his chest. There has been nothing but fun with the 3 demanding, slobbering, licking addicted, bundles of fur. When I was doing not so well the other day and in bed sleeping, Luke stood up, shook his head so his collar jangled thus signalling the end of Poor Heather time. Imagine, opinionated entities in my household.
6) I want to be one of those weird old women. A person less concerned with the whispers of astonishment vs enjoying life. I have started walking as I have been home. I have taken joy that more often than not I have no underpants on! God love it,
7) I want a reality show about ME. Sometimes I laugh at that & other times I remember the card I purchased a few years ago "Sometimes I look up as if there is a secret camera filming and I say 'I know you are there and what you are doing'". More often I want PROOF of the dumbass crap I see people do and hear them say. I find myself saying "Honestly, I am not exaggerating".
8) I want to be published.
9) I want to act without fear.
10) I want to be OK with my picky eating habits. My husband attempted logic on me about how when I head down the road to death, how I will REGRET never eating hagis. There is a way of living without fear yet living WITH culinary sensibility. The 3 month Tibetan food argument is a point: Tibetan monks stand on the corner of the street with empty bowls begging for brown rice...fat chicks don't beg for food LET ALONE brown rice. (Truth be told, he didn't like the Tibetan food!).
11) I want to travel. Well, let me clarify....I have no care to see India at this time nor much of Asia...again the food thing. My husband is fascinated with OUT THERE. I am so entranced with much of the old south where many of the first settlers landed. I was treated to a tour of a preserved (not restored) Plantation in South Carolina and was enthralled. Even in Utah, the human spirit and determination which founded America is amazing to me. To be fair, most parts of Europe and Asia just was THERE....we had to journey here and MAKE it. Of course we destroyed indigenous people....which cannot be ignored...but I want to see HERE and understand. I am tired of feeling like This is The Place truly is.
12) I want friends again. I have tons now. But someone to walk through the aisles of Target looking through the clearance bins and laughing.
13) I want a job which makes me glow. Years ago, I was an "usher" in a farmers market. I basically helped set up, direct people, empty trash cans and tear down at the end of the day. What a job! The hazelnut people were my favs!
14) I want to teach. The other day a friend had me over & I showed her how to make a dish of mine which she really liked. Was fun. I am not a great cook, but gosh it is fun to show people how easy it is.
15) I want to be vulnerable & love again. Laugh....I blame alot of things for this my greatest loss. Poor friendships, miscommunications with my husband, being in management, the state of Utah (laugh, why not) and my dumb ass upbringing. I miss this alot.
So there is my list. Definitely doable.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
