I was sitting home watching WAY too many reality shows & I knew I needed a list to guide me out of this....um...let's just call it a funk! Being goal oriented & a project manager type of person, I extrapolated on solution was a list. 1) It will really test what I like 2) It would be fun (more fun than Regis asking clueless questions to Pink) 3) I can check things off!! Here we go
1) I want out of Utah. Nothing bad about the state unless you are Non-republican, quasi-liberal, pro-choice, FAT, outspoken, childless, non-sports oriented, and a-religious. I have for a long time blamed me for my feeling of not belonging....now I am blaming the state. There I said it. The Perks of Utah have been: meeting my husband, owning our first home and very little rain! We were supposed to be gone before my 45th birthday, but I am hoping a moving truck is not pulling up to our house between now & Monday!
2) I want my creativity back!! Whatever form it takes here in my Grandma Moses years, I welcome it...but I want it back. Years of neglect & out and out ignoring....have just made it shrivel up and die. Use it or lose it is fairly apt!
3) I am funny & I will remember it. Again the Utah thing. I am funny. The disenfranchised of the state think I am funny, I need to remember that. I need to state: Friggin means FUCK...if you SAY friggin, God KNOWS you mean FUCK. That is a hypocritical statement of being here.
4) I want to laugh again.
5) I want to always appreciate doglet praise,, affection and adoration. 6 years ago, Bo entered our lives with his little white goatee and the heart on his chest. There has been nothing but fun with the 3 demanding, slobbering, licking addicted, bundles of fur. When I was doing not so well the other day and in bed sleeping, Luke stood up, shook his head so his collar jangled thus signalling the end of Poor Heather time. Imagine, opinionated entities in my household.
6) I want to be one of those weird old women. A person less concerned with the whispers of astonishment vs enjoying life. I have started walking as I have been home. I have taken joy that more often than not I have no underpants on! God love it,
7) I want a reality show about ME. Sometimes I laugh at that & other times I remember the card I purchased a few years ago "Sometimes I look up as if there is a secret camera filming and I say 'I know you are there and what you are doing'". More often I want PROOF of the dumbass crap I see people do and hear them say. I find myself saying "Honestly, I am not exaggerating".
8) I want to be published.
9) I want to act without fear.
10) I want to be OK with my picky eating habits. My husband attempted logic on me about how when I head down the road to death, how I will REGRET never eating hagis. There is a way of living without fear yet living WITH culinary sensibility. The 3 month Tibetan food argument is a point: Tibetan monks stand on the corner of the street with empty bowls begging for brown rice...fat chicks don't beg for food LET ALONE brown rice. (Truth be told, he didn't like the Tibetan food!).
11) I want to travel. Well, let me clarify....I have no care to see India at this time nor much of Asia...again the food thing. My husband is fascinated with OUT THERE. I am so entranced with much of the old south where many of the first settlers landed. I was treated to a tour of a preserved (not restored) Plantation in South Carolina and was enthralled. Even in Utah, the human spirit and determination which founded America is amazing to me. To be fair, most parts of Europe and Asia just was THERE....we had to journey here and MAKE it. Of course we destroyed indigenous people....which cannot be ignored...but I want to see HERE and understand. I am tired of feeling like This is The Place truly is.
12) I want friends again. I have tons now. But someone to walk through the aisles of Target looking through the clearance bins and laughing.
13) I want a job which makes me glow. Years ago, I was an "usher" in a farmers market. I basically helped set up, direct people, empty trash cans and tear down at the end of the day. What a job! The hazelnut people were my favs!
14) I want to teach. The other day a friend had me over & I showed her how to make a dish of mine which she really liked. Was fun. I am not a great cook, but gosh it is fun to show people how easy it is.
15) I want to be vulnerable & love again. Laugh....I blame alot of things for this my greatest loss. Poor friendships, miscommunications with my husband, being in management, the state of Utah (laugh, why not) and my dumb ass upbringing. I miss this alot.
So there is my list. Definitely doable.
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2 comments:
Your list speaks to me Heather. I think a lot of the reason Ed and I left Utah was to escape and find much that is on your list. Come to find out for us that Utah is what is in us. (sad sad realization) HOWEVER! I look forward to these adventures you speak of. I want to help you find these things.
And DAMNIT you deserve to be published. Perhaps as you journey throughout this list you can document along the way and make a book. I find this might be very entertaining.
What a powerful list my friend. I personally can agree with much of it (as wanting the same things too) but I can't relate to the Utah thing (thank goodness actually).
I found myself in a state of funk and severe loss of mojo. It's regaining slowly but steadily. But as s somewhat melodramatic, grouchy, impatient person, it can't come soon enough!
And we are not the only ones, I don't think. My friends around me are all kind of in the same bucket. A suck bucket.
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