Gift me Marge!

When I hit adulthood, my mom made a confession which was almost difficult to hear. She said that they struggled to give me gifts because I was always disappointed with what I received. I felt guilt and hurt. I never thought I was a materialistic child, but listening to my mother, I guess I was. I apologized to my mom. NO, she refuted....she said whatever they gave me didn't fit the vision in my little creative head & I was disappointed.

I don't think she was far off. In my head, I have unpainted paintings, unwritten ideas, all sorts of creations which when started OUTSIDE of my head, wither...ever so painfully. My friend does gifts amazingly well. So well I am stymied. When she got married, I chickened out & got a gift certificate. Maybe it was marriage which dulled my gift giving sense.

Marriage. Mike receives gifts very well, kinda. In August, he starts on his Christmas list. In January, he starts on his March birthday gift list. Being ADD his list is long and changes often. Alot of times he buys his own gift & lets me know.

I worked late. Was talking to Mike on the way home & he said he had a card for me & a surprise. My heart smiled! I am going to pause here for a Faye rule. Do NOT give me gifts for the house. No blenders, vaccums, or coffee makers (which she went through quarterly). I was raised with that rule...though funny....mom spent most of my birthdays since I was 17 giving me gifts for my house...hmmm. So I get in the door, exhausted. There is a card....but it is on top of a COLLECTION of Glad containers. Mike was fortunately asleep.

Mike is working OT and getting up at 4am every day. As well as I am working to gain better marital behaviors. When I was heading over today to visit him at work, I commented "I am sorry, huneeee....but I didn't see my prize when I got home. Did you leave it in your car?". I am sure the tone in my voice was soo sweet that it stopped him in his tracks. "But there were....some containers there", he offered cautiously & somewhat weekly.

"So those containers for left overs...". I stopped. If there had been a soundtrack, the theme from Jaws would have played. "I am sorry I couldn't find your surprise...Did you leave it in your car?".

Oh yes, he responded. "It must be in my truck because I would NEVER give a gift which was for the house, that is like giving a vaccum cleaner!". We both laughed.

He came home with football munchies just for me....pinwheel cookies and 2 (count em) 2 packages of cornuts.

I, as well as Faye, are happy!

Trouble in Sleepy City

I am large...so is my husband.

Now before you think this is a self depreciating diatrab on obesity, it isn't. We have approximately 80 pounds collectively of dog. Both of my brothers dogs singularly weigh more than that.

When we go to bed, the command is "In your room", meaning they go into the guest room which is covered by costco dog beds (very Bedouin/harem like). They have food, water, the protected guest bed, and it is the coolest room temperature. They do not suffer. When we got the boys, we put their beds in our room. Midway through the night, Bo would stand by my side of the bed & shake his collar & tags until I got up. Aware of not wanting to established this as a habit, I became adept at ignoring him. He in turn became Tenacious Bo, & would poke at my hand and nudge the bed. This is where "In your room" started.

So, the boys are pretty good about getting up & going into their room. Daisy, on the other hand, apparently has noticed the change in the rhythm of the house when it is time for THE ROOM. So she walks away....calmly & decidely. I leave the retrieval of said discipline problem to Da Pappa. He bribes her. Again another bad habit. But there are nights when we both relent and have the Dukes sleep with us....here comes the problem with being large. 80 pounds of dog & an unmentionable number of human pounds, in a queen bed. Here is how it works...Mike rolls over, Luke sits at the head of the bed in between Mike & I, Bo is under the covers near both of our calves, and Daisy sleeps on top of the covers near Luke. But what you are missing is the migration. Daisy sleeps close enough to me to touch me...I think it comforts her. Bo also tends to touch me. Mike loves this sleepover attitude. Me? I am so far on the edge, my boob is on the floor. Da Momma doesn't like this. Usually about an hour into this, I put them in their room.

As of late, there has been a struggle with getting the boys to their room. It started with Bo. Mike gives the command, Luke follows, but Bo sits up & doesn't move. Not only does he not move, he looks to ME for approval. I laugh. Bo lays down as Mike commands again. Again I laugh. Only when I tell him to go does Bo go into their room. In the past week, the hilarity has increased. NOW Luke is not responding to Mike's command. Bo has become emboldened and sits up and looks Mike in the eye. I still laugh. Not at their failure to follow the command, but the idea that the room is negotiable.

So, all you parents of human children understand, in the Davidson household...we have the same issues you do with night time!

Just Me!

That Smells Like Urine

30 years ago, I was babysitting my summer away with two boys the oldest being 10, and somewhat independent. At lunch I would make sandwiches or such. Pat rejected my offerings and he wanted to make his own sandwich. The rule became whatever he made he had to eat. I worded the rule like that as he was creating the foulest combinations he could imagine (yes, my opinion but YOU decide). The one I recall vividly was maple syrup, brown sugar and mustard. I remember his face as he made it, defiant. If I remember correctly that defiance dissapated just a tad when his brother & I sat and watched him eat....the whole thing!

With my husband, you would not know he is a grown man by what he eats. Here is the tuna I make for him (he requested these ingredients) mayo, yellow mustard, deli mustard, horseradish cream, horseradish and dill pickle relish. He mentioned (with his most charming twinkle) if I felt like adding minced onions, he would appreciate it. I did not feel so inclined. I also gave up making the stuff! The other night before I went to bed I came down following a horrid odor. Mike looked guilty. Did the dog pee, I inquired. He was quizzical. I went on, it really smells like urine. I am scouring the floor to see if I can find an offending spot. Mike said "I just made some tuna" he paused "I put saurkraut in it, want to smell it?". Mike, your food smells like urine.

I have married the Swedish Chef. You know who that is. The squinty eyed unintelligible cook who would create muppet like chaos while chattering "Hordy fordy hordy" or something to that effect. The classic Swedish Chef story was years ago (years ago as I have forbade him to cook any longer). He calls & asks what he can do for dinner with the chicken I had defrosted. I said I had a tortilla soup mix which he could add the sauteed chicken to. He left to his task. I will attempt to (without exaggeration) to clarify what he added to the soup: 1 envelope dehydrated onion soup mix, 1 envelope dehydrated chicken noodle soup, onions, boullion cube, and another soup mix I had stored. With pride he showed me my dinner. I can't say it was tasty. What ever had been dehydrated had yet to rehydrate as he neglected in the melee to add more water and it smelled weird. He told me what he had added with a frenzied eye. I was speechless. The directions for the original soup were 7 cups boiling water and the sauteed chicken. Yes I was ungrateful that night...the next day when everything which needed water had some, it was a fairly tasty stew!

Lately he just puts most of his meals in a tortilla! Not so odd except when he eats his veggie burgers. Now these are not regular veggie burgers they are extra spicy black bean burgers. I will at this time quote my sister and say "they smell like ass". I am not enticed to eat them by their smell. But he is focused on eating healthy and accompanies the odd disk with a myriad of condiments and cheese on his tortilla, smiling he bites into his creative meal....hordy fordy hordy!

Just Me!

Dog person

I know I am a dog person. Our first dog was the first love of my life. She took my heart when I was 6 and it tore at mine when I put her down 15 years later! The 3 I have now have not only taken my heart but my husbands....and with pleasure.

I have a small confession to make...we had 2 cats before I moved out of my parents house, Bellamy & Tori. I would love to say that they were my sister's cats...they weren't...they had us all. Mom & I were visiting friends in Eastern Oregon & there were kittens. I cannot recall where the idea came from but we called Shawn & told her we were bringing home a siamese mix kitten! She was elated! The dog had been mine, this cat was hers! I can't remember where she got the idea, but she got the atlas & opened it t a random page (Wyoming) & landed her finger...Bellamy. Thus the cat's name.

We put a bell on her collar & she ran with the other kitty & caused havoc. When you drove up she would run from anywhere in the neighborhood to welcome you. Not really, she would arrive at your feet as you opened the car door and preen for approval. Then run away after you admired her. She would make her napping place was the basket we kept the dinner napkins. She was struck by a car as I watched. The woman was debilitated with guilt. I couldn't tell whether or not she was dead. At the clinic, it was horrid to see DOA on the sheet...again my heart was torn. The woman came the next day with a grief card.

Next was Tori (short for Victoria) who was also a Siamese mix. I don't recall how she came to be in our household but she carried herself as her regal namesake! I had a small study room with my desk so I could finish my degree. I would hunker down with my walkman to study. Along would come Tori & she would sit and watch. And stare. And SMACK my pen as I wrote. When I would stop writing, she would SMACK my hand when I would stop. She was entertainment for my tedium. Mt Dew & Tori helped me graduate from college. The horror of her death was she was following my sister to the school bus and she was hit by a car, Shawn was devastated.

Even if I wasn't allergic, I would not get another cat as these 2 ladies cannot be replaced!

Just Me

Leather Tuscdaro

Mullets are hypocritically maligned in this day an age....why? Come on, admit you had one! OR you had the equivalent! Everyone is on the watch for mullets now. "Business in the front and Party in the back" we all find it hilarious! Halloween costumes are made around the wigs! We all laugh.

Taking a step back and over 20 years ago I was bored with my Dorothy Hamil cut my mom was excited to give me. In exasperation, mom took me to the stylist and said "Give her something different.". I ended up with a mullet. I boldly say I am not ashamed! Though I do regret the decision. I didn't like the cut, seriously....it bothered me. But it got worse. Because the next day at school, I was taunted at school with "Leather Tuscadaro".

Thinkk back fair friends to Happy Days when we as America were bored with the guys and Pinky stole Fonzi's heart, and her little sister showed up....Leather! Yah....that was me! For weeks. I am sure the poor actress is a wonderful person but I really had a 12 year old's petty hatred for her and her STUPID hair!

When I have heard "don't worry, it will grow out" as a response to a bad haircut, I struggle with that. It takes FOREVERRR for it to grow out....and the pain is endless. The next time a mullet is mocked, be mindful of the "mullet" you had when your hair was at its worst.

Just Me

Circumcision

I like libraries. I am not alone I am sure. Public libraries are good but I have found more fun in libraries of the universities I have attended.

At the University of Oregon I recall an amazing finding of old schematics and plans for the buildings on campus. Around those documents, I found old letters and newspapers. To be honest a guy I had a crush on (& would follow relentlessly) was an atchitect major & he was studying in the area. Future visits were all my own.

I know I spent more time in the Portland State University library. I lived at home with my parents to complete school, so I found peace and solace in the library. I remember finding studying carrolls in areas where the surrounding books were interesting. Being ADD I could study in 30 minute intervals. Then I would have to walk and peruse the books.

I found a shelf of books where the Holocaust was studied. The most nauseating book was a replication of the medical study and their results done in the camps. I can't retell them as I have tried to put them as well as the horrible mental pictures it created.

I can't remember where I was studying where my most memorable wanderings happened. I remember being very disinterested in studying, and I looked and there is was "Circumcision". I looked around to see if it was a joke. So of course I picked it up.

To be fair, I only made it through part of the forward, but I really could not ignore the book. The author's first sentence wanted me to be an author "I am sure you are wondering why there is a book on circumcision. When I was in medical school there were no books on the subject, I figured there should be". Enough said I figured. I put the book back fearful it would cover the step by step precision required for each procedural step.

Just Me

Underwearless Dog Chaser...film at 11!

Funny to me is the human condition gone awry. I mean really...someone trips, farts, gets hit in the groin, or is scared we laugh. And that is a wonderful thing.

Unfortunately there have been times when torturing people just for my own laughs has been tooo pleasurable. Getting the polling volunteer to sign "God Bless America" the first time my sister voted, betting my husband wouldn't let the dogs out naked, and chasing my youngest with the swiffer.

It is the reason why Candid Camera morphed into America's Funniest Home Videos which is now surpassed by You Tube. The other day I was chasing my youngest down the street sans undergarments, a chicken strip in my hand with the neighbor lady yelling "Your dog got out!"....I knew that I was going to be on You Tube as the Underwearless Dog Chaser!

You want to look! Just Me